well, not exactly the end just yet, but today i unpacked everything, knowing that i'm free of peripherals for the remainder of the year!! i survived! against all odds. i still remember the day i found out that i would be out of edin for 6 weeks of psychiatry. what a horrible day. and the day i found out my GP posting was in armadale...and worse, the day i found out from matt that it's super duper hard to get to. and i realised that it was my last 3 weeks...and i would have to study on top of writing portfolio and 9-5pm everyday...and staying at st john's again! what a horrible day. what a horrible end to the 1st rotation, along with all the stress of exams, discovering i didn't have much to look forward to. and the injustice of realising that some people had the privilege of doing everything in edinburgh.

i was so angry really. so angry at God. i couldn't understand why He had to make things so difficult for me. and other people, He completely just blessed with easy easy rotations.

and now at the tailend of the 2nd rotation, i can say (as i always do, in retrospect) that God is some joker. He totally enjoys doing this to me - wind me up to no end, make me frustrated and angry, and then make everything go so smoothly that i can't help but be stunned speechless. my 1st two weeks at st john's was alright. met yen bee, ate with ivy, had john drive to asda, even went to watch movie haha. (ps i totally can't rmb what the movie was! i'm going senile)

the next 4 weeks in cupar was...not so lovely at the time. i remember the fear of walking around alone in a psychiatric hospital. talking to scary patients. staying in a room with no table so i couldn't even write my notes. seeking refuge in my movies and house when i felt so isolated and so alone. living for the thurs evening when i could go back to edin and just bask in the knowledge that i'm surrounded by people i know. but honestly, after listening to horror stories of the royal ed, i am SO thankful i was away. everyone was so nice. my timetable was mine to organise. there were no formal teachings (not really. cuz i couldn't be bothered to organise them after the 1st 2 weeks). could go home whenever i liked. started at 10am everyday. the travelling was not so nice, and i certainly was glad to finish the attachment, and there were days of horrible rain and wind which totally depressed me. but the freedom i had there! and having a longer weekend!

3 weeks of neuro i was so looking fwd to as a break (cuz everyone says it's so slack) was not that great. i didn't like it, couldn't really adjust to having a formal timetable with scheduled teachings and tutorials everyday, didn't like my tutor at first (although at the end, he signed off my sheet for me so that was nice of him). it's hard to explain why i didn't like neuro. i suspect it had to do with the busyness of the timetable more than anything else, and the stress of having to sign the sheet off. neuro as a subject is fine...i can't believe i'm saying this but it was a bit boring. the shallowness of what we're expected to know doesn't capture the depth and intricacies of neuro, which are too complicated to understand at our level. but it certainly was very nice to be able to stay in my own flat for a bit.

and armadale GP. i don't know what to say. the thing i dreaded the most. the day before i was supposed to go in, i found out the surgery opens at 8.30am everyday. o. m. g. haha i was so frustrated that when jeffer and hl laughed at me, i just couldn't take it, i stalked out of yumyum.

honestly, these 2.5 weeks there were amazing. i won't miss the travelling for sure. 40 mins each way everyday is not nice. having to get the 7.45 bus to reach there by 8.30. plus the amount i spent there on buses and food (and buying chocolate to get change for the bus).

but the people there are amazing. they're so friendly and helpful and accommodating. i'm writing this so that i won't ever forget what they did for me. they let me come in whenever i liked. haha. i abused this once or twice, but mostly tried to get there by 8.30. they offered me tea every single tea break and lunch break. they even occasionally made tea for me. and offered me biscuits and cake etc. they have so much fun taking the piss out of each other, it's so entertaining! and they even talk to me, and tease me about being a medical student. and the fact that i have to stay at st john's. they let me talk to patients on my own, taught me to do so many things like checking babies (hoho my first ortollani on a baby!), let me take bloods (so now i'm reasonably confident at doing it =)) and give injections and even spray warts!!

my unofficial tutor, dr macgillivray, is honestly one of a kind. my first impression of him was that he's so weird. abit childish in his mannerisms (like sliding down the banister on his abdomen o.O) with such a sense of humour. but as i got to know him, i really really respect him. his patients love him, one of them said he saved his life. and he tried so so hard to get me my 2nd portfolio patient (in fact, dr duncan also tried very hard). he's a great teacher, took me to baby clinic and explained everything that he did. and let me try everything too! and when i told him i'm not good with babies, he promptly made me carry every single baby that came in that morning to build my confidence. and he was so nice during the assessment...of course the fact he gave me good marks contributed to it haha. and he agreed to be my reference! and he pronounces my name correctly (no really, it's quite rare here). and he told me i can skive the last week if i needed to study. =) (hence, i'm skiving tmr afternoon and fri morning hehehe).

and the best ever thing is...i finished at 3.30pm everyday!! sometimes earlier! i really think it makes such a difference to be able to get back to st john's before 5pm as opposed to at 7pm. st john's is still like that lah...but i shared my flat with jeffer, so it was quite fun actually. had company for dinner and going to the library. and if there's one thing i miss about the place is that it's so warm there! i could wear a t-shirt and shorts. even sleep with the window open and without the duvet. impossibly warm. too warm that i couldn't sleep properly most nights hahaha. but it's nice not having to shiver everytime i go out to pee or to the kitchen.

so yeah. i'm so glad for the armadale attachment after all. hahahha. glad for the way this rotation went. God is so surprising. happifyingly surprising.

now i just need to sit down and study for the exams. i think i'm quite stressed, i keep feeling nauseous. and can't sleep through a whole night without constantly waking up. it's not that it's alot to study. i think i just took it abit too easy, so now that it's so close to exams, there actually is relatively alot to study in a short span of time. yikes. =/

so friday i come home and see james after 2 months ++. he tells me he misses india curry. and he didn't get to eat curry in msia cuz he had diarrhoea. and he happily asked me to go out for curry dinner on saturday with william and matt. Clue no. 1.

hy tells me he can't make saturday night stomp cuz of emsa dance prac. so had to go for matinee. Clue no. 2.

fri night, james randomly invites ka hui to go for curry too. Clue no. 3.

sat morning, james wakes up at 12pm and says he's lazy to go out for dinner. and went to buy rogan josh frm tesco and contemplated cooking. then wonders if ka-hui will like his cooking. then says, "aiya go out la." sneaky clue no. -1.

i was tired and suddenly realised how much studying i need to do still. asked james if i could stay home while he tapao-ed curry back. james: "GO OUT LA. 1 hour only la." Clue no. 2.

james: "hrm...better call khushi's to see if there's place." disappears into room. comes out, "only got 6pm or 8.30pm. i got church at 6pm. so 8.30 la." Clue -1.

waited for ka-hui at home. william comes in at 8.30: "hungry or not? james still hasn't come back yet." to which i promptly replied "oh i thought he was meeting us there. i'm waiting for ka-hui!"

james calls with ang's phone (?!): "eh sorry sorry i just finished church." i asked if we could just meet him there and he replies "no no no, wait for me!! i need to come home first to do smth." ok so i knew he was lying about church la. and i ws so mffed abt it that i didn't pick up on the mystical 'come home to do smth'. BIG clue no. 2.

ka-hui arrives. james calls at 8.45: "SORRY SORRY, i was actually watching football at ang's place. sorry sorry. meet me at khushi's." walau i was so angry at the fact he lied using CHURCH of all things...that i completely didn't realise that actually, james would never lie using church. (at least i don't think so la). Clue no. 3.

william took ages to get ready. james suddenly bursts through the front door, gasping for breath and apologising in between his breaths. stood there and held the door open while waiting for william. Clue no. 4.

james makes a phone call: "hi sorry can i add one more seat to the booking? yeah so it's 5 instead of 4." i thought it slightly odd that he booked the wrong number when he obviously knew how many ppl going, but hey, maybe matt was a last minute addition. plus i was so angry at him. Clue no. 5.

i was so frustrated at the unrepentant smile on james' face so i scolded him all the way down rankeillor street, and he happily smiled all through his apologies.

so we made our way to khushi's. and entered the door. and suddenly, a chorus of happy birthday reaches my ears.

OH. MY. GOODNESS.

hahhahahahhaha i just slumped against the front door, and tried so hard to cover my face. WALAUWEI. every year, they do this kind of thing, and every year i don't suspect anything. and am super duper surprised. i felt so STUPID. plus jo was so smugly asking me if i was surprised. like of course la, they were early this year, i wasn't even expecting anything since it's exam period. and everyone was like "hello, you expect us to go all the way to st john's on your bday isit?" i was like "NO LA...the point of me staying there is so that you all can't find me!! i didn't expect you all to do anything!!" hahhahaa dumb.

and then i realised i owed james a huge apology. hahhahahaha. OH MAN totally not a good combination.

there were 2 other tables celebrating bdays. and every time a cake came out, my whole table (with jeffer at the helm) burst out in song but emphasized my name instead.

and after dinner, sarah turned up with home made cupcakes with ivy and yoch in tow...i don't know how many cupcakes were there. 25?? each with individual icing. oh. my. goodness. plus sarah and i had a BHS (birthday haters' society) pact not to do anything for each others' bdays. traitor!

when we all finally left the restaurant, i realised with a shock how many people actually came.

kenny, xinyi, nurul who i haven't seen for a whole YEAR at least (or even more)

sam, sue, charis, liyenn who were supposed to be studying for their exams (and supposed to leave at 10.30 but obviously due to the lateness got delayed)

mitchel, choee, jon, hl, jeffer - the guys who are normally not invited to my bday dos. hahaha.

doh who came awhile after engage, and had to leave early.

ivy, sarah, yoch.

hy who completely lied to my face la walau. and ka-hui.

my dear flatmates who tried so hard to trick me, and poor james who endured my scolding.

my dear jo who took the effort of planning the whole freaking thing.

and i went home to open presents. and i realised that mum/dad sent me a card via hy!! and tni and jian gave me a present too!!

and ivy gave me an oxford photo collage which is amazing! and a really cute calendar with verses for each month. and a hot pink cap.

and choee gave me pretty fairy windchime.

and jo gave me earrings and an 'I O U' for a bigger present. like that is necessary.





and i lay in bed, thinking how this morning, i was questioning if i experienced God's love through people around me. because to be honest, alot of my socialising lately has just been superficial fun and lame jokes. but suddenly, it was so clear to me. i totally did not deserve anything my friends and family did for me. i hate planning birthday parties and hunting for presents, i'm in general not the best friend unless i'm in a super good mood or you're in a super foul one...and yet, they went through so much trouble to celebrate my birthday with me.

i am selfish and proud and emo and idiotic and insecure and noisy and kepoh and hypocritical.

undeserved love.

Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

thank you, everyone, for reminding me of God's love.

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear a sound.

Lord, I'm amazed by You,
how You love me!

How wide,
How deep,
How great is Your love for me!

- Jared Anderson - Amazed -

i had absolutely no idea i would find ethics so interesting. i well remember learning the exact same concepts in 1st year (in fact, hy is learning the same thing now...which is a strange concept), but back then, i was totally disinterested, thinking what's the point in debating something that no one has the answer to and you can't change it anyway by debating?

but now that i am 1.5 years away from being a doctor (hopefully), it all seems so real. the decisions i will have to make - to treat or not, how much to treat, etc. and learning about what the law tells us to do, what our guidelines are, it's so interesting! and funnily enough, i particularly enjoyed the forensic part of psychiatry, just cuz it involved the mental health act and legislation and stuff. maybe should've been a lawyer.

and of course, there's the sense that it's not all futile argument...that if i really wanted to, i would have the power and responsibility to lobby for and against principles and hot potato topics like euthanasia and human cloning and things. and that when it comes down to it, i need to have an opinion. whether or not i will delve in TOP or even assisted suicide if it becomes legal.

of course, it's a long time more till my decisions actually matter...obviously junior doctors aren't really expected to make such decisions. obviously, it becomes easier with experience.

but i just can't say how amazed i am at how much power a doctor has. i remember having that revelation when i watched cardiac surgery months and months ago...and now, the feeling of awe and almost fear is resurfacing.

that in the case of 'do not attempt resus', ultimately it's a clinical judgement. that the patient has no choice in the matter. even if he/she rejects the filling of a DNAR form and refuses to accept that CPR will not be successful, if the medical team has made a decision that CPR is not suitable, then it won't be attempted.

that in the case of advanced directives in Scotland, there isn't any statutory law provision for them. so they are legally binding under common law but only if they meet criteria of informed consent. which is hard to ascertain because there are no guidelines for when it was written. so it's a matter of judgement. and ultimately, advanced directive requests are refused if not clinically appropriate. again, clinical judgement.

watched a video about euthanasia today. it was purposefully emoted strongly...like even showed the doctor interacting with babies in the midst of the whole euthanasia (or)deal. and showed like the couple talking about the illness and their decision. and even after the patient had gone, showed the wife reading a letter written by her husband the day before. it was a dutch video with eng subtitles, and seriously by that point, i just closed my eyes so i didn't have to read what he wrote. surely it's something personal he wrote for her, it feels so much of an intrusion to read it. and i was already tearing up so badly, didn't need any more stimulation.

and there's the part about how he's going on this journey alone eventho they'd always been together. and he told her he was going to be at the milky way and big dipper. so she would know where to find him. how hard must it be to the spouse left behind! as if it's not hard enough knowing that you're going to have to face everything alone from then on, and how different and lonely it's going to be...you also have to live with the knowledge that it was your choice. that you're the reason he's not there. and you can either be happy he's no longer in suffering. or you can be guilty because you were part of his dying. or you can be selfish and wish he were still around. but i think the emptiness must be overwhelming. because your entire life was based around him, and caring for him...and suddenly, it's like your purpose for existence is gone. suddenly, you wake up in the morning, and there's no one to bathe and dress and feed and shift from bed to wheelchair.

and the way the video portrayed the doctor...so difficult to describe what he was like. a shell of a man. 'not exactly the life and soul of the party' he described himself. affected by every single death he caused yet numb from the countless number of episodes he's been through. i can't imagine how he could've interacted and built rapport with the couple, joked with them, comforted them, and after all that, culminate in him killing one of them. i suppose compassion in the justification, but deep down, i wonder if he really can justify with rational thought, when it's overwhelming bereavement for a lost friend almost.

there's the classic ethical question about turning the ventilator off when a competent person refuses to have life-prolonging treatment. and suddenly, it occurred to me today...if i weren't the doctor, but if i were the patient...would i be able to tell the doctor to turn the ventilator off? is it courage to accept the inevitable fate? or is it courage to hold on and hope for a miracle? and then, i thought, surely if i believe in miracles, then there will always be a hope to cling on to, no matter how slim. and then it goes back to DNARs and CPR. how can you confidently say that CPR will never work for someone...when really, you're meant to believe in miracles?

Don points at me. "You should listen to him because he’s short. Short people have bigger brains." Sometimes I think that for a man with schizophrenia, Don exudes great insight on occasion.

Roffman JL. Eight Ball. Am J Psychiatry 2008; 165:956-957
http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/165/8/956

i don't know why but i love this story.

To my pleasant surprise, a game of eight ball has diffused the alienating, controlled chaos that I felt as a new student on the psychosis ward, like a prism to white light. How strange and marvelous and sad it is, to discover such familiar dreams and aspirations, refracted across a rickety pool table.

a timely reminder that they're human after all. i'll never really be comfortable doing psychiatry, psychotic patients still scare the crap out of me, and alot of times, i still don't know what to say when patients ask me if i understand, or if i believe them. but i'm in a much more comfortable place than the 1st week i spent in stratheden hospital.

survived 2 weeks at st john's doing liaison psychiatry. everyone says accom here is horrible, i actually liked it. slept so well here. i thought i would be alone here but managed to meet yen bee who knows this senior john who has a car...haha. and wai ming works here too! i'd totally forgotten he's a medic. and ivy ended up here as well for GP. so all in all, it's been a good 2 weeks.

dr aditya, my consultant, is amazingly clever but so very nice. he's like a nice bean! he told me to have fun these 2 weeks, which is what i did. saw loads of suicide patients, cosmetic surgery patients, body dysmorphic disorder, alcohol/drug addicts, dementia. i love how dr addy can really understand how his patients think!! wonder if it's some kind of gift you're born with or just experience. the fy1, natalie, is so nice as well. she let me tail her uselessly these 2 weeks.

the travelling is an absolute pain though. groan. i've tried every single mode of transport. even taxi haha. couple that with the fact that the sun sets at like 4.30pm now. and the rain.

AND I LOST MY EARMUFFS. in the mad rush to get home yday in the rain with my heavy luggage.

james has gone off for his elective. well not yet, but he's gone to leeds. had his bday/farewell party at bar napoli last night. cell dinner today. ben/pp's bday tomorrow. jon's bday on sunday. playing during evening service on sunday. promised sarah and sam i would meet up with them. need to catch up and pray with jo. monday off to cupar.

walau no time to breathe also. =( i am so tired.

this is day 2 of o&g. and all i can think about is how much i hate it. yes, already. to be fair, i never had a very good impression of it in the first place. but seriously, day 1, i got my timetable and it's packed to the brim-est. like crazy packed. plus all this rubbish of being in labour ward for 12 hours...and night shifts! and having to go all the way to haddington for 2 days by 8.30am (when other ppl get to be in tollcross...what kind of evil twist of fate is this?)

have been to 3 clinics where i have seen a total of maybe 10 patients. everything's so slow, there's so much waiting around, i keep getting shuttled between consultant, registrar, midwife. there's hardly any teaching at all (besides the extremely nice ST2 this afternoon). in fact, the doctors don't do anything except type in their notes into the comp and complain about the system. it is such a complete waste of time.

i'd even rather do urology again. i can't believe i have 6 weeks of this. moanmoanmoan. and how am i supposed to study everything within these 6 weeks?? it's madness. i so can't be bothered.

what i hate most is people telling me how much they love o&g. and how they get to do stuff in clinics. and how nice everyone is. blah blah blah.

i've been scribbled into His plan.

God doesn't erase memories of the past...He leaves the scars, because they're a mark of His healing.


I'm Yours (Jason Mraz) is super hard to sing. and incredibly addictive.



CW: when you're with a girl, you can't talk about another girl wan. if you say, "*** is number 1 material", you have to say, "yunyi is also number 1 material...in fact, she is number 1 plus 1..."

G: that's number 2.



TJ: i've bought you as my pet...hahahhaha

you know what really pisses me off? it's when you take an hour of your precious time to help someone in something that doesn't benefit you in any way and it's something that the person can do himself and it's not like you can do it extraordinarily well anyway because it's just something simple and in the end, it's not even your choice to make or action to take...and then the person just drops back off the radar without even a simple thankyou reply.

it's not like i have nothing better to do, you know. and it's not that i mind helping a friend, is it just so hard to be grateful?

arrived home on sun evening, ate abit of roti canai (as much as i could eat in all my flying-induced nausea), showered, went out for a good dinner, youtubed britain's got talent final, gasped and gushed over Diversity (honestly the choreography is AMAZING), slept at 12, woke up at 4.30am =.="

next day, tried to run abit but realised i'm so unfit it's not even funny, played my darling piano and guitar, watched tv, youtubed whose line is it anyway with my bro and laughed until my stomach and throat were sore, played abit of pingpong, watched america's next top model, read reader's digest.

life is good.

downloading heroes now. in preparation for redang trip. glee.